A Cure For What Ails You?

Hi friend,

We had a very serious intro planned about how we’re watching the government speedrun the destruction of Lyndon B. Johnson’s Great Society project … but we’re neither historians nor political scientists, and considering how quiet our inbox has been, it seems like everyone’s on vacation and/or not in the mood for a moralizing, self-serious essay from a faux expert right now. The vibe is very “school’s out.”

As Zeba Blay wrote in an essay for Harper’s Bazaar, “we are living in a season of endings. It’s in the air, the news, the background hum of everyday life: a sense of collapse.” This leads her to a discussion of HBO’s The Gilded Age and And Just Like That... (RIP). We’ll share more thoughts on AJLT after the series finale on August 14. We haven’t written about it recently, because sadly, it wasn’t worthy of deep exploration. Not that we haven’t been watching.

This strange, hot, rainy summer is also coming to an end. Before it’s over completely, we’re taking a vacation! We will be off next week.

Today, we have an essay from Lindsay Robertson’s humor newsletter Order History, which is our new must read, because everything she writes is funny and also relevant to our lives right now. She takes one for the team and ingests a bunch of over-the-counter “hangover remedies” — keep reading to see if any actually work.

Bye,
Your friends at Gloria

You know that person who swears that a glass of water and an Alka-Seltzer before bed will cure any hangover and have you feeling like an Olympic athlete the next day?

Well, that guy is always 20 years old. And wrong.

I am not sober. I mean, I am right now, and have been enjoying an extended alcohol-free era for several months (I guess I'm trying to make "dry summer" a thing for myself, because that is when I typically drink more), but, even though I'm pretty much allergic to alcohol at this point, I know I'll probably imbibe on the next trip with friends, wedding, or winter Saturday night at a friend's place. (I'm on the "special occasions" track.)

And then, no matter how small my portion of wine is, my hangover will begin within an hour, mess with my sleep, and last the entire following day. This is just part of not being 30 anymore, and it gets worse every year. (The most unrealistic part of any movie or TV show is when people over 35 are shown drinking on weeknights and are fine the next day. This should be in the "goofs" section of IMDB!)

My first introduction to hangover remedies happened during the go-go mid-aughts, when, some late night, some friend introduced me to Russian-made RU-21 and its accompanying lore. Supposedly, and that is a big supposedly, the KGB developed the drug to allow its secret agents to drink Russian-grade amounts of vodka without getting drunk. Instead, the agents still got just as drunk but felt like a million bucks rubles the next day. (Hey, it was even in The Guardian!) This is basically a pill that just makes you Russian.

I can't review RU-21, because I don't remember what it did, and I was so young then anyway that I wasn't getting real hangovers yet.

Another older-than-me friend around this time waxed wistfully about discovering a hangover cure while on assignment in Southeast Asia that consisted of codeine and an amphetamine. So, an upper and a downer in one pill. An anti-hangover speedball. A science-based Red Bull and vodka. And while this person (an overseas journalist!) was quite credible, I am still trying to figure out what disease or condition this pill would prevent or cure OTHER than hangovers. (Maybe it was two pills? Again, I was but a wee child!) I never got to try this one, because she wasn't sharing, and I wouldn't have either. 

Two of the dumbest thoughts I've ever had, and I've had many, are:

"Maybe I should ask my doctor about my hangovers?" 

and

"Someone should make a pill that makes you feel like you do when you haven't had a drink in a week!" 

Well, LOTS of someones have tried to make this pill. Because people, or at least people like me, are desperate to drink consequence-free poison. There is clearly a fuckton of money to be made off suckers like me. And as the world's most placebo effect-susceptible human, especially when "new science" is used in the marketing, I have spent a depressing amount of research and money over the years trying to fix a problem that already has an obvious and 100% successful solution.

Here are just a few of my alarmingly numerous and expensive attempts to not get hangovers over the years. 

(Normally, I'd include links to the products, and as much as I'd enjoy pointing out that every supplement here has at least one review that mentions a bachelor party in Vegas, I'm not going to do that this time. I don't want it to seem like I'm recommending any kind of supplement. You get it.)

Many (most?) supplements touted as hangover cures include the ingredient Dihydromyricetin (DHM), which, I ain't reading all this, but seems to make rats want to drink less and allows them to roll over more times when they do drink. Cool. I guess I wanted both of those things, or didn't not want them. But, alas, this ingredient made me woozy with a weird taste in my mouth, and I noticed no difference the next day.

I remember being pretty annoyed that I wasted money on this one, which seems more like a multivitamin than the MAGIC CURE I was seeking. (And was on the expensive side at $20 per bottle.) Milk Thistle, Zinc, Vitamin C, yawn! (It does have some harsher chemicals in smaller doses, including DHM, but I can take as evidence that I never bought it again that it was a loser.)

Oh look, it's our friend Dihydromyricetin again, of the rollin' rats and weird mouth taste. This one adds a potentially dangerous ingredient, however! (Not that the others don't.) Activated charcoal, oh no! I'll just cherry-pick my favorite parts of the WebMD entry for AC: 

1. It doesn't work on alcohol.

2. It can cause you to be unable to absorb antidepressants and BIRTH CONTROL PILLS. 

I gave these away (to a dude) once I googled it and read all of the above. 

These cute little bottles are perfect for placing on your friends' pillows on an Airbnb trip. And the fact that they're a bitter liquid does make it seem like they'll do something. Unfortunately, those seemed to be their only qualities. A lunchtime poll of said friends found them all taking naps.

After putting all this untested, not FDA-approved crap in my body, I had the thought, "What if I'm drinking TOO MUCH water?" (I do drink a ton of water.) "What if I just need electrolytes?" Well, no help on the hangover front, but I do like the taste of this stuff (mango) and the peace of mind that comes with knowing they can test it on people any time they want and not just rats.

And now we're finally to the most expensive one of all, the product that is inescapable if you like podcasts, the most sciencey-marketed hangover remedy to be found in all the land…

By the time I became aware of ZBiotics, I really thought I was out of the hangover-cure game, but this one drew me in again with the promise that some tech bros had discovered a new kind of probiotic bacterium that eats hangovers. (Or whatever.) At approximately $10.50 per serving and $24 per fluid ounce, it had better, right? Well, I still have two (of six) bottles running out their expiration dates in a drawer, so I know I have my answer. 

There you have it: My decade-plus as an intermittent biohacker on one, failed mission. Though if what I learned was to just "drink less poison," can it really be considered a failure? Ask me during my next hangover!

We’ve officially entered our organized travel era, and it’s all thanks to Cadence. After years of tossing half-used sample bottles into our toiletry bag and hoping for the best, we finally upgraded — and we’re never going back.

Cadence makes beautiful, TS-compliant, leak-proof containers that snap together magnetically and keep your skincare routine intact wherever you go. We’ve been using them all summer and wanted to share our go-tos: this one is perfect for pricey serums you don’t want to leave behind; this mid-size holds a week’s worth of supplements or meds without the rattling pill case; and the largest is ideal for haircare products like shampoo, conditioner, or masks.

The best part? You can customize the labels (Retinol, AM Pills, Hair Mask, etc.) so it actually works the way you do. It’s a small switch, but it’s made our trips feel way more put together — and lets us keep using the products we love, instead of whatever hotel body lotion we used to settle for. Shop it all here. #partner

TO STREAM You know those special-edition People magazines by the grocery checkout that are like, “Kate and Will’s New Life Together?” That’s kinda the vibe of a new documentary series about JFK Jr. Out on CNN tomorrow, American Prince: JFK Jr. tells his “real story.” Speaking of handsome men, today brings the premiere of an Outlander prequel with the same time-traveling romantic drama as the original.

TO TRY Pilates is having a moment — but if packed, sweaty studios aren’t your thing, you’re not alone. What if you could tone up, burn fat, and improve mobility without leaving home? This program pairs gentle, yet powerful, at-home Pilates workouts with personalized nutrition coaching to help you build strength, lose weight, and keep it off — no equipment needed. Join nearly 200k women with their 28-day challenge with 50 percent off through this link. #partner

TO READ Journalist Jonathan Mahler’s new book, The Gods of New York: Egotists, Idealists, Opportunists, and the Birth of the Modern City: 1986-1990 (Bookshop, Amazon), is an absolutely fascinating read. It catalogs a short, but wild, period in NYC history with a cast of big personalities like Ed Koch, a Cuomo, our current president, Rudy Giuliani, Al Sharpton, and Larry Kramer.

TO COOK Grab a bunch of rhubarb, chop it up and roast it for around 20 minutes with sugar and some lemon, maybe throw in a few cut-up strawberries. The sweet, jammy result is so good over thick Greek yogurt or vanilla ice cream. We like to make a little parfait with it by adding a sprinkling of granola on top.

TO TRY Mental health challenges are a normal part of life, and so is asking for help.With this online service, you can match with a therapist easily, message anytime, and get the convenience of therapy that’s 100 percent online. Take 25 percent off your first month here. #partner

Trying to reset your LinkedIn password after getting laid off. • “Gwyneth Paltrow got me fired.” • Red-light masks could be worsening your melasma. • Attention, Jeff Buckley fans. • Lonely older Americans are turning to AI chatbots (eek).

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