A Friendship Issue

Hi friend,

We are in a golden age for middle-aged leading lady representation, we are told. This is typically said in reference to Nicole Kidman in Babygirl, and Demi Moore in The Substance. “Yes, the older women slotted into these plots are typically thin, white, and expertly dermatologically preserved,” writes Amanda Hess for the New York Times. “But so was Anne Bancroft (and she was only 35!) Something has shifted, where we’re finally allowed to recognize a Hollywood feminine ideal for what it is.”

“Dermatologically preserved” is one way of putting it. These are women who we know are middle-aged, and are told are middle-aged, but they don’t entirely look it. There is a vagueness about it. Why does Demi Moore, whose body and face seem entirely resistant to the effects of gravity, need the substance? 

This is not to discredit these actresses, or these films, or the importance of representation for women. It’s also not to criticize them — we have no idea of the pressures these women are under. But come on, let’s be real here.

As writer Anniki Sommerville says, “I felt hyped because I could see women who were older than me in the public eye and thriving and stepping into their power (all that jazz) but THESE WERE OLDER WOMEN WHO LOOKED LIKE GODDESSES FROM ANOTHER WORLD. I’m not going to go on and on about having work done (I also get Botox and believe it should be a personal choice what you do with your face), but Demi Moore is definitely not your average 60-something. Nicole Kidman neither.”

It’s weird that this still is so hard to discuss, but it is. Maybe it’s because we want things to be cut and dry, and “empowering” without any nuance at all in the conversation. In her review of Babygirl for Allure, Valerie Monroe gets at the tension:

“I wanted to avoid commenting on Kidman’s face, and focus only on her acting, but my editor did ask me about a moment she’d seen in the trailer, where Romy [her character] seems to be in a dermatologist’s chair. Yes, there is a brief scene in the movie where Kidman’s character is being injected with either filler or neurotoxin; afterwards, one of her daughters mocks her for having ‘trout lips.’ I do think it’s brave of Kidman to allow her face to be meticulously examined in the many close-ups in Babygirl; she’s showing her age (57) and the effects of whatever fiddling she’s succumbed to, which manifests in a kind of waxiness and in an overly plump upper lip verging — cinema verite? — on the trout lip situation.”

It is entirely possible to laud these films while at the same time thinking critically about how midlife is being portrayed in Hollywood. Perhaps one of the most revolutionary scenes, as captured in this “sex review” (and as noted by a friend, who raved to us about it after a screening of the film), was “the way that the camera shows you her hands — the only thing on 57-year-old Nicole Kidman that looks aged.”

This week’s feature tackles another dilemma: grace, particularly around motherhood and maintaining friendships. Plus, what to watch, a google search hack, and more.

Bye,
Your friends at Gloria

Recently, someone dear to me said I had failed them as a friend. I wasn’t available enough or responsive enough. They said I hadn’t shown up in a way that made them feel cared for. The conflict dominated my thoughts for weeks because, like many of us, I measure my value by how happy I make other people feel. The sudden conflict rocked me. I let down someone I love and that matters.

But as I sat with this truth, I also knew that over the last year, I showed up as often and as best as possible. I couldn’t have given more without losing a grasp on the things I can’t afford to drop.

When it comes to friendship, it is important to see each other within the context of our individual lives, instead of a pre-sized box. I am a girl’s girl; I love to have fun and spend time with my people. But if you can’t see me as a Black mother, raising a Black son, divorced and co-parenting, and navigating a single-income household, then you don’t see me at all.

We don’t hold motherhood — especially Black motherhood — as delicately as we should. Parenthood is so embedded in the human experience that we can forget how drastically it has changed in the last 50, 20, or even 10 years.

Even if you are thriving in parenthood at all times, unbothered by financial burdens, co-parenting seamlessly, and raising children who have absolutely no exceptionalities or challenges, you still bear the weight of constant worry.  

Being friends with mothers requires grace.

One of the first lessons mothers tend to learn after having kids is that friendships will dramatically shift. People who expect you to remain the same, respond the same, have the same energy, and the same grasp of things will inevitably be sloughed away. They don’t get it — and maybe they will one day — but their inability to see you in context becomes a handicap you can’t afford.

Patience is required here. Life is seasonal, and there are periods of abundance, starvation, retention, suppression, and harvest. My longest-lasting relationships make space for these seasons. Friendships have to make room for aging, loss, unexpected changes, and the time it takes to recover equilibrium.

Being friends with mothers means understanding that distance is not deadly — it’s self-protection. It’s temporary, necessary, and safe. If we truly love each other, we don’t demand that anyone show up to their detriment, battered and bruised, for the sake of attendance. I don’t want friendships that remove my identity or circumstances from the equation of my value.

Motherhood has taught me how to be friends with women.

We cannot afford to lose ourselves in the fray or risk being emotionally unavailable to our children — or to ourselves. We need all-weather friends. Not the ones who require constant coddling, endless reassurance, or mind-reading. The clicky friendships of youth, where entire identities were wrapped up in each other, can suffocate a grown woman and stifle a mother.

Over the last few months, I’ve been taking inventory of the friends who set my heart at ease. They’re the ones who don’t expect me to check every box or hit every mark but simply make space for me as I am. They offer understanding when I need distance and joy when I return. They accept me in my context, just as I do for them. And part of this acceptance is learning to celebrate not just our capacities but also our limitations.

As mothers, we often cheer each other’s overwhelm, listing out our endless to-dos like medals we’ve earned. In Black motherhood especially, labor and service are so deeply tied to identity that it feels natural to praise our ability to juggle tasks. But just as loudly, we need to cheer for each other’s ability to protect ourselves from overwhelm. Canceling plans doesn’t have to be seen as a letdown; it can be a moment to celebrate someone centering their need for rest.

Friendship, like motherhood, requires grace, patience, and an unwavering commitment to seeing each other fully — even in seasons of absence. Vulnerability is key here. When we date, we have no trouble expressing what we need, want, and expect from someone — but friendships often operate on a ‘vibes only’ system. If we want lasting, supportive relationships, we have to approach them with the same intentionality as any life partnership.

So if you want to be and remain in community with women, with femmes, with anyone existing within the margins of society — love them like a mother.

When You Have Some Time (WYHST) is a monthly column from Ashley Simpo for The Landline that explores themes of self, love, motherhood, relationships, liberation, and identity. Read more from this series here.

It can be hard to ask for help when you're overwhelmed, but this service makes it simple. They offer assistants to support you with all sorts of life admin tasks. December was chaos — holiday prep, endless to-dos, and all the usual life stuff — and we were drowning. We used Duckbill to make everything so much smoother; it helped us pick out trendy Christmas presents for our tween (not an easy task!), schedule an appointment with a lawyer to finally tackle something we’d been putting off for ages, and even research and plan our upcoming spring break trip.

It was such a relief to have someone (or something!) take those things off our plate. In the New Year, we’re looking forward to using Duckbill for all the everyday stuff, like scheduling kids’ doctor appointments and our haircuts, finding easy-to-cook recipes, and then shopping for all the ingredients for us. Cool! Sign up here and use the code GLORIA for 50 percent off your first two months and priority off the waitlist. #partner

TO WATCH Pamela Anderson is perfectly cast as Shelley, a longtime Vegas dancer facing an uncertain future in Gia Coppola’s The Last Showgirl (in theaters). We also love the appearance of Jamie Lee Curtis, who plays her friend, a deeply spray-tanned cocktail waitress, and Dave Bautista as the surprisingly empathetic stage manager of the revue.

TO TRY Looking to upgrade your skincare routine in 2025? This brand creates luxury vegan skincare products infused with rich botanicals that deliver outstanding results. Don’t take our word for it, 400,000+ happy customers trust their award-winning products. Shop now and save 50 percent during their New Year Sale (ends 01/24/25). #partner

TO HACK A tip for those of you who dislike those little AI summaries Google now adds to the top of every search query page: Simply type “-ai” after whatever you are searching and Google will return your search without that AI-created paragraph. Easy!

TO STREAM Flow, the feel-good animated film about a cat that survives a flood with the help of a motley crew of other animals, just won a Golden Globe – and now, you can rent it online. And in less feel-good fare, Netflix has just released its dive into the utter depravity that was The Jerry Springer Show.

TO DOWNLOAD 2025 will be the year we trade time spent on social media for time spent learning a new language with this language-learning app. It makes it easy and fun — they have award-winning lessons as well as games to help you stick with it. As a bonus: Gloria readers can use this link to get up to 67 percent off. #partner

A woman found that weight-loss drugs alleviated her PMDD – but doctors are still in the dark as to how. • The daunting task of cleaning out Dr. Ruth’s apartment. • “Being in shape is better for longevity than being thin.” • The emerging evidence of a link between the shingles vaccine and a reduced risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease.

_{*Gloria may receive an affiliate commission on purchases made through our newsletter.}