A Friendship Issue

Hi friend,

Pop quiz: What’s more American than the Super Bowl? A: Doing a When Harry Met Sally sequel that’s actually a commercial for mayonnaise? B: The invention of the “snack stadium”? C: Replacing the words “end racism” in the end zone with “choose love”? Or D: Online gambling – specifically on the odds that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce get engaged after the game? Trick question; it’s all of the above.

Says one online bookie: “85% of the bets are on the ‘Yes’ for Travis to propose to Taylor, which would pay out 8:1. So we have the majority of people rooting for the romantic made-for-TV moment. However, 95% of the money is coming in on ‘no proposal,’ which means the big bucks are betting against it.”

Even though we aren’t football fans, we can appreciate how this game provides an opportunity to gather with friends – a hot topic these days. We know we aren’t the only ones thinking about friendship and how important it is right now. A few weeks ago, we asked all of you for your thoughts on how to build and maintain friendships between women who have and do not have children. The responses were so good that we collected them into a feature, below. Thanks again to everyone who sent such beautiful responses; even if yours wasn’t included, know we read and appreciated it!

Bye,
Your friends at Gloria

In January, we asked readers without kids to describe their relationships with their friends who are mothers. Responses poured in; some surprising, some devastating. We were moved by how much kindness, understanding, and patience were captured in all of your thoughtful words. 

What we gathered from your responses (and from our personal experiences on both sides), is that anyone who says their friendships didn’t shift after one friend became a mom is being less than truthful. Dynamics and priorities change; keeping another human alive isn’t for the weak.

Like any meaningful relationship, friendships require effort, energy, and intention. In the early stages of parenting, many moms see their friendships take a hit. There was a bit of anger, too, at the obvious: Women with male partners are struggling due to lack of support, and because our society continues to heap work on their backs. 

According to our inbox, many of you, on both sides, are fighting for your friendships. You’re finding new ways to connect — which sometimes means replacing happy hour with an errands run. Ahead, our readers share how they’ve adjusted expectations, learned to be better communicators, and embraced a new norm.

On the mental and emotional load of motherhood…

“My mom friends are overwhelmed,” wrote Jennifer. “I don't see them much. They are barely holding it together without the added stress of demands from friends. They are unappreciated in their kids’ schools where the events are nonstop. And when they aren't working or doing kid stuff, they are carrying the load for their husbands — unpaid, expected emotional work on top of housework — feeding their families (which includes grocery shopping and food preparation), and cleaning up after everyone (can no one take a dirty cup to the f-ing sink?).”

On learning how to adjust old friendships to new lives…

Says Cindy: “When my friend's son was an infant, she made it clear to me that the most helpful way to keep our friendship going during her life transition was to accompany her on errands like grocery shopping, because happy hour hangs were no longer manageable. Now that her son is a bit older and in daycare, she extends me the same grace by accompanying me on my errands and giving me a ride to big-box stores, where we catch up on life in the car. I wouldn't have thought about turning monotonous tasks into an opportunity for connection, and I love that she and I figured out this way to keep our friendship going that honestly feels more intimate than the twice-a-year dinner catch-ups I have with other busy friends. Our friendship is way less formal these days and way more hair-down!”

Says Emily: “I am 41 (almost 42), married, no children (standard poodles forever!). I am blessed with incredible mom friends and there is no joy quite like that of being the ‘aunt’ to a whole slew of cool, interesting children. It kind of happened by accident, but somehow, my husband and I are listed in several wills in the event of catastrophe, a responsibility I don't take lightly. I think a lot about the old Kate Hudson movie [Raising Helen], where she inherits the children of her oldest sister, while her middle sister (the "mom") doesn't understand. In the end, they find out that it's because the youngest sister (Kate's role) is the one most likely to give the children the "experience" of their mother. I have come to terms with the fact that by their very nature, these friendships are often unbalanced: these are not the people I call in an emergency or with a time-sensitive ask (or invite!) because I know their schedules are dictated by their little people. We work hard to carve out friend-on-friend time, and we're so honored when the stars align to make it happen. I wish my beautiful, amazing, wonderful mom friends would recognize that they, too, get to invest in themselves and while finding time can be hard, I promise I'm worth it!”

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TO STREAM Every year, we vow to tune into the Puppy Bowl and then we forget. Not this time! It’s on Sunday at 2pm and will be simulcast across like six different networks – and then, will be available on HBO Max and Discovery+. 

TO SHOP This store is a great place to shop for the cutest weekend looks, from an effortless bomber jacket to this classic striped sweater and this perfect-under-anything ribbed henley top. See and shop those pieces and more here. #partner

TO LISTEN After a five-year break, the extremely smart and comforting parenting podcast The Longest Shortest Time is publishing new episodes. The first one back focuses on what schools do or don’t teach about sex and consent.

TO READ The strange and funny new Victorian society satire Victorian Psycho — set in Victorian England, and featuring a dysfunctional family and a murderous governess — is already being adapted into a film starring Margaret Qualley. You can get a preview of it from this excerpt.

TO MAKE We’re making this delicious, rich, and creamy dip this weekend. It’s got that buffalo-wing flavor crossed with the comfort of artichoke dip.

TO WATCH Action-comedy movies with lots of over-the-top martial arts scenes aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, but Love Hurts (in theaters) looks enjoyable enough to offset some of the gore. In the film, Ke Huy Quan plays a mild-mannered real estate agent whose secret past as a killer-for-hire comes back to haunt him.

Liquid microneedling sounds extremely painful. • “Why Gen X women are having the best sex.” • The rise of candy-colored shelving. • Publishing Joan Didion’s private diary entries after her death just feels wrong? • This moment does call for another Jurassic Park movie, doesn’t it.

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