A Genuine Thrill

Hi friend,

We don’t know if there is a recent article more thought-provoking than “Should Human Life Be Optimized” by Anna Louie Sussman on IVF, gene selection, the Silicon Valley cohort embracing embryo screening, and more.

It’s clear after reading it that: one, every technological leap brings with it a thorny mess of ethical questions; and two, that in the United States, capitalism is charting the course when it comes to IVF (this is in contrast to other countries, where various regulations govern everything from how long you can cryptopreserve embryos to who is allowed to access IVF).

“In the United States, despite more than $1 billion invested in fertility-focused start-ups in the past decade, there is remarkably little regulation or even basic public scrutiny of what practices are acceptable,” she writes. “Instead, venture capital and private equity firms have spurred the creation of technologies and innovations in the field, with no mechanism in place for oversight.”

Sussman has personal experience with IVF; it’s how she conceived her daughter. Improvements in research and testing capabilities, combined with a new legal landscape, raise “serious ethical and intellectual questions about what meaning or place [embryos] hold in our society,” she says.

It wouldn’t be a media story about reproduction in the year 2025 without at least a passing mention of the pronatalist movement. And the techno-aligned branch represented by one publicity-hungry Pennsylvania couple that’s already been the subject of multiple profile pieces does make an unfortunate appearance. 

But refreshingly, Sussman’s work offers no pat conclusions, no easy answers. It’s much more interesting than the many other pieces we’ve read about the birthrate, which mostly boil down to: Why aren’t people having children? And, will this [insert policy] make people want to have more children? Rarely do writers acknowledge the root of birthrate anxiety, which we see as a battle over national identity, as well as a reproach to evolving gender roles.

Speaking of evolving gender roles – this week’s feature is about how women are turning a mid-life reckoning into a movement to reclaim sexual pleasure and pursue other thrills. Read on for that, plus a few recommendations for your weekend.

Bye,
Your friends at Gloria

The female midlife crisis is no longer a crisis. It's a reckoning. And some women are finding it's the time of their lives.

Women over 40 are pursuing better sex (especially after divorce), competing in extreme sports, and adopting new identities. After decades of body-shaming culture, they’re sloughing off the stigma and embracing their physicality. They're tallying up their life's experiences and making calculations about what else they want, what else they deserve, and asking what will bring them pleasure.

A huge part of women reclaiming midlife begins with redefining it. "We are witnessing a cultural shift in how we think about menopause," according to Janie Steckenrider, a professor at Loyola Marymount University and an expert in sex and aging. The middle point of life isn't defined solely by menopause, though it's a significant marker. 

"Up until a few years ago, menopause was only viewed in terms of loss," Steckenrider said – loss of childbearing ability, estrogen production, libido, and youth. On average, menopause starts at 52, but perimenopause begins eight to ten years earlier, so around ages 42-44. That's midlife if you plan to reach or exceed the life expectancy for women in the U.S. of 80.2. 

Some women don't experience physical symptoms of perimenopause or menopause at all, though they're still subject to other life events that tend to happen around the same age. Midlife is often when people deal with the death of a parent, divorce, illness, and children moving out of the house (although today, many women at 40 are starting families). 

According to Applewhite, an author and activist who educates people about ageism, these transitions can lead to greater confidence. "It gets simpler and clearer, and you are less apologetic," she said. As we get older, "we come into our power. We know what we're good at. It's a scientific fact that older people get better at emotional regulation. We don't sweat the small stuff."

From a generational lens, Steckenrider said she is not surprised by the new female midlife trend toward pleasure-seeking and adventure instead of loss and despair. Gen X women, who now make up the 46-60 age group, were risk-takers as teens and especially fast-paced with sexual experiences compared with the generations before and after them. Gen X is also deeply counter-cultural. They don't care about fitting in or aligning with cultural norms. They're happy to throw old ideas about the female midlife crisis out the window.

Date younger. That's the advice Applewhite has for many women over 40 who are looking for sex or companionship, but not marriage or a family. "There's loads of younger men who are genuinely attracted to older women," she said, whereas the pool of older men who are available is small. As to whether it's "age-appropriate," Applewhite said there is no such thing when dealing with adults.

Better sex, or getting the sex you want, is a huge theme in the new story of women in midlife. A lot of it is sex between 40+ women and much younger partners. This is becoming a mainstay in pop culture. Last year's All Fours by Miranda July gave readers a mid-40s, sexually hungry, self-indulgent protagonist who lusted after a man 20 years younger. The threesome in Mrs. Fletcher was between a 19-year-old, a 30-ish woman, and her boss (Mrs. Fletcher) who's old enough to have a son in college. In the movie Babygirl, the lead character played by Nicole Kidman gets her kicks from the riskiness of an affair with an intern who assumes the role of a dominant sexual partner.

"Many older women are just coming into their sexual power," said Applewhite. It doesn't stop at knowing and asking for what they want. Women are also exploring and experimenting. "The rise of more people being queer, gender fluidity — there's much more," Applewhite said.

Women in midlife today are claiming the sexual freedom that they're entitled to, and which the Baby Boomers before them worked so hard to get in the first place in the 1960s and ‘70s. Steckenrider here again sees the cultural and generational relevance. "What was important was individualism of doing what they wanted and putting their own needs and desires first," she said of Gen X women. The "pleasure-seeking, sexual exploration, and sexual risks" women are embracing today are related to the freedom they exercised in their youth.

When Gwendolyn Bounds was 46, she fell off a 17-foot rope. Despite the fall, she stood up, did some penalty burpees, and continued running her first obstacle course race. She finished in the middle of the pack for her age group. She had never been athletic before in her life. A few years later, after rigorous training that included hauling buckets of rocks around her property and practicing the monkey bars at a local playground, she took home a medal. She describes the journey in her book Not Too Late.

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TO STREAM Michelle Williams’s kinky new series, Dying for Sex, debuts today. It looks emotional and funny, which is a hard balance to find. We also might give the Golden Girls-esque sitcom Mid-Century Modern (also on Hulu) a try because, as Variety points out, it is a “feel-good, low-stakes show.” Plus, who doesn’t love Nathan Lane?

TO SHOP We swear by the jewelry brand and piercing studio Studs for durable, sensitive skin-safe earrings. Right now, they are having a big sale, and we’re trying to decide if we want to go with these cool, chunky hoops; this cute little 14k pavé smiley; a sparkly huggie; or this pretty 14k marquise option. #partner

TO TRY This is a simple tip for how to wash and store tender fresh herbs, which we appreciate, because we’re tired of buying dill and basil and then seeing it wilt and blacken.

TO LISTEN If you need an excuse to cry (and who doesn’t), Sufjan Stevens has just shared the demo version of “Mystery of Love” ahead of his 10th anniversary release of Carrie & Lowell. The album will include seven previously unreleased tracks.

Enjoying the Garden State soundtrack 20th anniversary concert through these clips. • “At 94, I’m still worth looking at.” • Savoring this White Lotus cast interview. • Very important reporting about the senior-care referral site A Place for Mom.  • A Texas “pig war.”  • Medical tourism expands to stem cell therapy.  • “Delete the workforce.”

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