A Major Divorce Surprise

Hi friend,

Most people would probably agree that the capriciousness of our government’s recent tariff policies is not ideal. To put it mildly. Trying to stay on top of this news cycle is exhausting, and extrapolating what will happen to the economy feels impossible. We have a lot of empathy for small business owners right now. Adding to the chaos is the lack of a solid explanation for why we have decided to renegotiate trade agreements with the entire world and kick off an escalating trade war with China.

As Bloomberg’s Joe Weisenthal wrote Wednesday: “We still don’t have a clear articulation of the philosophy behind the tariffs (is it about fentanyl? Is it about national security? Is it about an aesthetic desire for more industrial production?), let alone what the ultimate implementation of the new policies will be…Even under the maximally optimistic version of how this goes, where there’s some kind of re-birth of American industrial might, some swathes of the economy will inevitably be permanently damaged by the new order, with resulting scars.”

The onshoring of manufacturing is the most intoxicating reason presented, despite all the naysaying from the egghead crowd. After all, it combines potent nostalgia with the promise of a return to “manly” jobs. Just look at all the hard hats in this sizzle reel from our new Secretary of Labor. (It sends a very specific message.) Or consider this executive order on “reinvigorating the coal industry,” which, according to a recent count, employs only 45,476 people total in this country.

As Fortune points out, lots of people like the idea of manufacturing but would rather not work those jobs themselves. And what of the jobs we are working now, plenty of which do not require hardhats and/or are “feminine” coded, like care work? Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

This week’s feature is about money, work, divorce, gender, and the things we wish we’d known a long time ago. It’s from Kimberly Harrington, of the great newsletter Honey Stay Super. We admire how she can find humor in even the most infuriating of circumstances. Read on for that, plus a few recommendations for your week.

Bye,
Your friends at Gloria

Alimony never crossed my mind while I was married. It didn’t cross my mind when my then-husband and I separated. It didn’t even cross my mind when I was writing a whole-ass book about all of those things, including our impending divorce. I thought alimony was men’s business. And since I knew I wasn’t going to be getting any, why worry about it?

Oh, I should’ve worried.

I’m far from the only woman who is uneducated about alimony (or spousal support or maintenance, these are all the same things). On top of that, divorce law and how alimony is awarded varies wildly from state to state, meaning whatever experiences you might’ve heard or read about may not apply to you given where you live. Some states have permanent (lifetime) alimony, whereas most states determine the length of alimony based on the length of the marriage. Many states allow alimony payments to cease upon the remarriage of a former spouse and other states allow payments to cease just upon the cohabitation of a former spouse with their new partner.

When I had my first consultation with a local lawyer, she ran the whole alimony picture down for me, given the rough outline I had provided, including how long we had been married and my income versus his. You will not be surprised to hear that I did not like what I heard! I thought my head was going to blow apart into a thousand deadly shards while snakes, tarantulas, fire, hornets, and witches poured forth from my empty skull to completely darken the skies.

Not to be dramatic.

I couldn’t believe, after all the money I had earned and paid out over more than 25 years together, after everything I had done to not just hold everything together in general but had also subsidized during our marriage and separation, that I was also going to have to pay him cold hard cash. For years. 

Unfortunately, my lack of knowledge isn’t all that unique. Alimony was legally gendered for so long and continues to exist in the cultural imagination as something that only men do.

In its most basic form, alimony is calculated based on the length of the marriage and the disparity of income between the two partners. Transparently, my divorce didn’t go through the court system other than our agreement (negotiated collaboratively and using attorneys) being approved by a judge. But let’s dig into a brief history of alimony in general. Some of us keep feeling surprised (🙋🏻‍♀️) by the unfairness of institutions and laws as if they’ve always been with us since time immemorial. Lest we forget, these are institutions and laws created by men, to — wait for it — benefit men.

The origins of alimony date back to 1800s England and were rooted in the profound inequality within marriage. When a woman entered a marriage at that time, her legal identity was merged with her husband’s. Any property she owned was now his, and she also transferred her ability to keep any earnings, enter into contracts, or own property to him. It became his obligation to “protect” and financially support his wife. But note: “Alimony, then and now, wasn’t really about the woman’s well-being so much as protecting the state from the undue ‘burden’ of taking care of her when her husband didn’t want to provide for her anymore.” 

The premise of the American system of alimony, built upon that English system and brought over by settlers, was to support divorced women who now had no other means of supporting themselves. But in 1852, states began enacting the Married Women’s Property Acts, which at least allowed divorced women to gain back control of property they had entered their marriages with (thanks?).

Alimony was a male-coded feature of American divorce until a 1979 Supreme Court ruling (Orr v. Orr) rendered the payment of alimony gender neutral. Keep in mind this law changed because a man didn’t feel like paying alimony and of course he won. 

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TO STREAM Based upon the Booker prize-winning novel of the same name, the intense new war drama The Narrow Road to the Deep North (on Prime Video) stars Gen Z heartthrob Jacob Elordi as a POW (it’s told through his experiences prior, during, and after). If you’re in the mood for something lighter, HBO’s Hacks is back and better than ever.

TO MAKE We’ve tried this crispy grated tofu recently, and it’s so easy and satisfying that it’s now in our weekly rotation. We press out some of the liquid before the grating step; you can season it however you like, and eat it with salads, rice, in a taco, you name it.

TO ENJOY We just found the PBS show Joyride, which pairs younger people with elders, and we’re very into it. It’s so wholesome. Start with this episode.

The Tab-drinking superfans of the SaveTabSoda Committee. • People have surprisingly strong opinions about whether parents should leave their sleeping children to have a drink or dinner nearby while keeping tabs on them via a baby monitor. • On the demise of Weight Watchers. • Feeling very inspired by this house tour. • “We’re in it now.”

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*These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.}