A New Feeling

Hi friend,

Maybe avoiding hard things is a key part of the human condition. We have proof that struggling through a dense book, a new language, a workout, or even the navigation of a city is good for our brains. And yet, we often choose the path of least resistance.

We’ve been thinking about this in terms of the conversation around AI. What AI tools offer is an easing, otherwise known as “cognitive offloading.” Don’t understand a long contract? Ask AI to parse it. Don’t want to write a paper, or a job description? Task AI. Friendships or romantic relationships proving too complicated? An AI companion will always be there to endlessly flatter. In this way, AI builds upon the frictionless world enabled by smartphones. But isn’t the friction of human interaction good for us, even when it’s hard or tricky?

Perhaps you saw the recent hubbub over a small MIT study that showed ChatGPT usage eroded critical thinking skills. (This is an interesting parsing of its results which focuses on creativity.) Or the research paper from Microsoft, which found similar. We’re less concerned with this early research, and more with what we already know about the brain. That challenging your brain continuously helps stave off dementia. That social connection, not fancy treatments, is one of the keys to longevity.

The technology is here, it’s not going anywhere, and it could lead to amazing breakthroughs. But is it too farfetched to think that someday, cognitively challenging activities such as reading, learning music or a language, playing card games, even just hanging out in person with friends – will be viewed similarly to how we view exercise now? Important, vital really, to health, but all the same mostly available to those with time and resources? Soon, maybe now, we’ll ask: Who has the time?

Speaking of reading, this week we have an excerpt from a fun and very relatable new book of essays, Midlife Private Parts, that’s all about how it feels when your kid goes off to college. Read on for that, plus a few recommendations for your weekend.

Bye,
Your friends at Gloria

What nobody tells you about your nest emptying is how long it takes for the nest to actually empty. Birds just shove their little fledglings out of their branch-and-stick beds whenever they think the time has come for them to fly, hoping their wings work. Humans, not so much.

I spent months “helping” my oldest son Sam apply to colleges. Most of it was in the form of nagging, which happens to be one of my best soft skills, but it was still a hassle. As anyone with a teenager knows, getting into college now isn’t as simple as it used to be. I’m pretty sure that in 1986 I just mailed a postcard to University of Oregon that said, “I want in, thanks. Duran Duran rules!” Now kids have to write a resume detailing all of the nonprofit foundations they started and essays detailing the many kidneys they donated, and answer questions like “How will you change the trajectory of the entire planet and also humankind with your accounting degree?” There’s no shortage of college services, counselors, and experts you can throw money at to supposedly make the process easier, but here’s the thing: It’s never easy.

But we somehow managed to get his applications in by the various schools’ deadlines, and then, after a few nail-biting weeks, the acceptances and rejections rolled in like a traveling circus. Like most kids, he had highs and lows and a few “how didn’t I get in but (insert name of hated classmate) did?” frustrations, but ultimately he had some great options. None of them were all-expenses-paid options, but good options nonetheless.

That spring, Sam graduated from high school (via Zoom, because he was part of the fun pandemic class of 2020) and then finally made his decision on where he wanted to spend the next four years. We were all happy to hear that it wasn’t going to be his bedroom because by then, after a lot of family quarantining, I was ready to turn it into a meditation room with a wet bar and maybe a sensory deprivation tank or two.

Part one of the empty-nesting process done, we moved on to part two: the Readying of the Empty Nest, AKA Preparing for Liftoff.

Many pregnant women, myself included, go through a period called “nesting” as the baby’s arrival nears. This is when you buy all of your necessities and fix up the nursery so that it looks adorable. Empty nesting is similar, only now you buy necessities for the baby to use in his dorm room that will never be described as adorable. Well, maybe if you have a daughter who loves pink and goes to a southern college, but not so much in our case. We got busy buying from Amazon, Bed Bath and Beyond, and Target, and soon everything he needed was ready to be shipped to his school. But as the date grew nearer for him to be shipped to school, I realized that he was ready to leave, but me, not so much.

I thought I was prepared, but as the drop-off date approached, I also began to feel separation anxiety creep in. I’d lie in bed, wide awake at 3 a.m. with my mind and pulse racing. Would he miss me? Would he remember to call home? Would I just sit in his empty room, humming “Sunrise, Sunset” and wondering what to do with my life now that I wasn’t a full-time mom for the first time in eighteen years? A lower grocery bill is great, but it definitely doesn’t make up for not having your kid living at home anymore. Is this why people have eighteen kids? I’d think. So there’s always one at home?

I pushed those thoughts out of my head while we made the final preparations, and drop-off day finally arrived. With my heart in my throat, we moved Sam into his bright dorm room that would soon not smell so nice. Then came the time to say goodbye. I’d kept it together all day, without even a single tear escaping, but I suddenly found myself fighting the urge to cling to his knees. He’d clung to mine the first day of kindergarten until I was honest with my emotions and reminded him (and myself) that it was tough, but he’d love school. Now, fourteen years later, the roles were reversed, and I was the one who felt like I was being abandoned.

I took a deep breath and managed to squeak out, “I’m so proud of you, sweetie. I’m also kind of sad.” He gave me a sweet smile and reassured me, and maybe himself, “We’re both going to do great, Mom.” And almost four years later, I have to say that we have. Even though I never managed to build that wet bar in his bedroom.

I like to think of the first days of kindergarten and college drop-off as Boo-Hoo/Yahoos. Because while they may be a sad end to one chapter of the parent-child relationship, they’re also the start of amazing new adventures for you both.

Sometimes the hardest part about beginning therapy is simply finding a professional with availability when you need it. That’s where this online service comes in and takes all the challenge out of finding – and booking – an appointment with a psychiatrist or therapist. Brightside Health offers appointments in as little as 24 hours, including crisis support for severe issues and care specifically for teens, and they take insurance. And as a bonus, you can also get unlimited provider messaging in between video sessions. It’s so easy. Click here to learn more. #partner

TO WATCH The big theatrical release this weekend is Brad Pitt’s F1, but some of us* would rather take in the critically acclaimed black comedy Sorry, Baby, which is about life and friendship in the wake of a traumatizing assault. (*A small, but mighty, group of aesthetes!)

TO DRINK Our new favorite summertime cocktail is Wynk sparkling non-alc THC beverage – we like the new Mandarin Pomelo flavor – over ice and topped with a bit of sparkling water. It delivers a light, balanced social buzz in about 10 to 15 minutes. It’s perfect for Fourth of July events, or for winding down at night. Get it here, and use code GLORIA15 for $15 off. #partner

TO LISTEN The new Wondery podcast Liberty Lost is jaw-dropping. It’s about the pregnant girls sent to a teen maternity home on the campus of Liberty University, and how they’re pressured into giving their children up. And apparently, more of these places are opening up across the country. 

TO STREAM Now that we’ve finished watching the first season of Apple TV’s Your Friends & Neighbors, we’re ready for the network’s next compelling stress watch, Smoke. It’s a slow-burn crime thriller about two investigators trying to track down serial arsonists, with a few twists up its sleeve.

TO BOOKMARK There is a lot of useful information in this guide to freezing and thawing food, including safety guidelines for proteins. This will definitely change the way we thaw. 

TO PLAY In a fun new album, Jersey indie rockers The Feelies cover The Beatles, Neil Young, Dylan, and The Doors. We particularly like their interpretation of Patti Smith’s “Dancing Barefoot.”  

Love these thoughts from pediatricians that are also moms. • Meet the founder of the “We Don’t Care” club. • “How to beat The RealReal (from a former employee).” • Inside Gap’s turnaround plan. Gross: the return of the wrap.

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