About Your Parents...

Hi friend,

Ben Stiller’s new documentary about his comedy-world parents, Stiller & Meara: Nothing Is Lost (streaming today on Apple TV) is rooted in the humdrum task of clearing out their Upper West Side co-op after their death. As Stiller and his sister go through their parents’ belongings, they unearth complicated memories of what it was really like to grow up as the children of working artists.

Yes, even celebrity offspring are forced to reckon with all the stuff their parents have accumulated. Hence the name of the doc – nothing was lost. As The Hollywood Reporter notes in its review of the film, “Jerry Stiller had a compulsive need to record and save everything, and as we watch Ben Stiller take it all in after his father’s death, there is something both humanizing and surreal at the sight of a famous actor undergoing the same heart-wrenching ritual as everyone else.” (If you have some time, this clip of the duo and a youthful Ben doing a bit on Conan is fun.)

Clearing all the stuff from a parent’s home is just one of the struggles discussed on the new podcast So Your Parents Are Old. It’s the work of journalist Vanessa Grigoriadis, who, in her 50s, now finds herself caring for an aging parent with dementia as well as two young children. Episodes provide helpful tips, commiseration, and humor; guests include big names as well as experts relevant to anyone facing similar challenges, such as an elder law attorney and a geriatric care consultant.

We spoke with Grigoriadis last week ahead of the podcast’s launch – an edited version of our convo is below.

Bye,
Your friends at Gloria

Sometimes, it happens quickly. Other times, it’s drawn out. And even before it has happened, we know it is out there on the horizon, waiting for us. It’s the question of what to do about mom. Or about dad. 

When it comes to aging parents, the challenges are vast. There are health issues, financial concerns, worries about them becoming victims to predatory scams. Depending on the situation, there might also be medications to manage, doctors’ appointments to attend, and endless paperwork. Now there’s a new podcast that talks honestly about all those sorts of things and more. It sounds like a bummer, but somehow it’s not – it’s refreshing, with surprisingly funny bits and lots of empathy.

“Look, I don't know how this podcast will do because I don't think people are going to want to listen unless they're in this stage,” says Vanessa Grigoriadis of So Your Parents Are Old, which debuted this week. “But there are so many people who are in this stage that I'm hoping people want to commiserate about it.”

I spoke with Grigoriadis about why she decided to launch a podcast about caring for aging parents, what she’s learned from the project, and how to start these conversations with your parents (if you haven’t already).

This is such a big topic. What were you hoping to discuss?

I never saw coming – that I was going to have a nine year old and have to take care of my mother, who's 83. I have to do it. So many of us have had our kids late. We're not empty nesters with old parents. 

When my dad passed away in 2017, I had just had my baby. Then, a few years later, my mom started having memory loss. As an only child, there's nobody except for you. I don't have any family closer than Chicago, so there's no one else to take care of her.

I look at [my career at] New York Magazine and I'm like, I can't believe I was once this person. It’s almost a fantasy of a life. I was running around and going to brunch and writing these stories that were quite frivolous, but I took my craft (and still take my writing) incredibly seriously. And now, I have no choice but to put my whole life into my family. I still work full time, by the way.

It’s like, are you fucking joking? There are so many things happening at all times. What form has to be filled out? What grab bar has to be ordered? Should I give away all these clothes that don’t fit my son anymore?

And if your parents were older parents and you are an older parent, it snowballs.

There are obviously upsides to having an only child as a parent, but as a person who was an only child, it does all rest on your shoulders.

I did a story for New York Magazine where I went and interviewed all these people who had only children. All the parents were like, how will it work when I'm old? And I was like, why are you even thinking about this? But now I see. Because it's like I'm an orphan or something. I feel not good, psychologically. The way that siblings split up this nightmare of chronically ill older parents is [typically] one person does the finances and the other person does the care. But I have to do both.

Because of all the scammers, you can't change anything on their bank account. It requires a million forms and POAs [Power of Attorneys]. Yet another thing none of us want to deal with: admin.

[Prior to this,] I didn't make my life complicated. And taking over somebody's life financially is complicated. I didn't talk to my parents about all this stuff because I'm an idiot. I was uncomfortable. I didn't know how. My dad was too sick, and then my mom couldn't remember anything. 

It's been like a seven-year scavenger hunt. I don't have their passwords. Parents don't want to write down their passwords. You have to figure out some way to pull all the information out of them while they're still alive.

Part of the appeal of this podcast is commiseration about the challenges, but did you also pick up any tips or helpful strategies?

The thing about forgiving the friends and family who disappear – forgiving them for yourself, not necessarily for them.

If you're like, it seems like when I go to my mom's house, it's very dirty and she used to always clean – something's happening. And if you ask your mom, is something happening? She's probably going to say no. It's up to you to take action at that point. 

Give them socialization. You have to actually go visit much more than you want to. And everybody says this, and it's way easier said than done, but … old people can be very annoying. You just have to understand, everybody becomes more who they are. If they're hoarders, there is even more hoarding. If they're anxious and neurotic, they’ll be even more anxious and neurotic. With memory loss, there are weird changes. Sometimes people are meaner, and that is not really who your parent is. 

I haven't found a support group. The Alzheimer's Association runs an amazing hotline because we have no social services in this country, so you can call them. Basically every fatal, horrible disease has a hotline, and the people who staff the hotline are very nice and helpful. You might as well just call them.

Now I'm the go-to person for all the things that happen with everyone’s old parents. A friend’s dad had triple bypass surgery. Now he needs home care, but of course he doesn't want it.

I was like, this is the moment. Take advantage of the crisis. The crisis is when the parent will have to accept home care which, by the way, you have to pay for.

Oh, yes. I want to talk about money. What have you learned about costs? What are people talking about? What are they encountering?

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TO STREAM Director Kathryn Bigelow is back with a new thriller. A House of Dynamite (on Netflix) is about the people — including Idris Elba, who plays the president — trying to prevent catastrophe when a missile is launched at the US. If that sounds a little too intense, there is also a new Leslie Jones standup special out, Life Part 2. This clip from a recent interview makes us really, really want to watch it.

TO GET We learned via The Strategist newsletter that after many years, Bauer Pottery will no longer be producing Russel Wright’s curvaceous and intriguingly hued plates, bowls, and assorted other vessels. As a small consolation, what they do have is now on sale for 50 percent off.

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