Holding Out Hope

Hi friend,

We will be taking the next week off, so – before we depart for a holiday roller coaster – we want to say thank you to everyone here. It’s been a privilege to send this newsletter to all of you, and we have a lot planned for 2025.

In the media, this week and next will likely bring reflections on the past year, “best and worst” lists, predictions, and stories around NYE resolutions. As we move forward into an uncertain future, we’re keeping this sentiment from poet laureate Jaki Shelton Green in mind.

“As I’ve become older, I’m learning more about what grace really means, and what it means to be able to bring a slice of joy to somebody. At the end of the day, I’d like to think, ‘What did I do today that was beneficial for somebody?’ I know I can’t change the world, save the world, but I believe if all of us scratch hard enough in the same little spots where we occupy time, where we live, play and die, that we can effect change.”

There’s your resolution for you. This week, we have an essay from a woman who refuses to give up on love, plus a few recommendations and some last-minute gift ideas. See you back here in early January.

Bye,
Your friends at Gloria

In my 30s, I was unmarried and ready to have children. I believed I would find the same unconditional, committed relationship I had grown up seeing from my parents.

Cut to: ex-husband #1, a friend of my best friend’s husband. That couple decided we’d make a good match, and fixed us up at their New Year’s Eve party. I was undecided at first; he seemed a bit cocky, and I didn’t know if we had anything in common. But he continued to pursue me (and I liked that). We went to jazz clubs and good restaurants and slowly got to know one another. Eventually, he won me over. He was charismatic, had a sense of humor, and seemed to care about serving our community. We dated for a few years, then he finally asked me to marry him one day at the top of the Empire State Building. It seemed idyllic.

Until it wasn’t. 

His behavior soon changed from charming to controlling. I’d say something in jest in front of his friends, and later get reamed out about it at home. It became a master class in gaslighting: The food was never good enough, I had to do all the chores, and my life seemed to get smaller and smaller. We had trouble getting pregnant, so we tried IVF and other fertility measures that didn’t work, which put more stress on our marriage. After we decided to adopt, I thought maybe becoming a dad would change our relationship. But in truth, it rarely does. A few years into being parents, he cheated on me with someone half his age, which hurt me to my core. Things were never right between us again. So I decided to divorce him after 14 years. He didn’t take kindly to my decision, which made our divorce a terrible ordeal, and he spent a lot of time making me pay for it, especially with our kids.

I swore then that I would not marry again – but then I met someone who seemed so different from ex-husband #1 that I began to entertain the idea once more. We married three years after my divorce, with my kids’ blessings. But I didn’t anticipate how much #1 would try to drive a wedge between me, my new husband, and the kids. It got so nasty that we spent more time in mediation meetings, and tons more money in lawyers’ fees, than we should have. It put so much stress on my new marriage that there was nothing to hang on to but resentment. It got so bad that the kids decided to move in with my ex, leaving me and my new husband with boatloads of guilt and battles over child support. 

It eventually became too much for the two of us to bear. The financial burden had us in its clutches, and after one epic fight, I decided we should both go our separate ways. We divorced, amicably, after 10 years of marriage, sold our house, and went our separate ways.

I am now 60 years old and single. At first, I buried myself in binge-watching and binge-eating. I was distraught that I could not make either marriage work, and I blamed myself for not being a good picker of men. But then my closest friends began to gather around me and let me know that actually the issue I’ve had, apparently since college, is that I am always trying to save somebody. I seek out people who need a soft place to land. It felt like I’d been hit in the head with a kickball. 

I realized I had work to do. I dove into books about learning to love yourself first, and ones about how to overcome trauma. I started therapy again and spent more time alone with myself because I had to find the woman I once was. It hasn’t been easy – my professional and financial life both suffered once I decided I needed time away from full-time work. I’m starting over from scratch, and it has made me wonder if I should have done things differently.

But I cannot change the past; I just have to stay present in this very moment. Having time to myself has been eye-opening, particularly in how I’ve allowed myself to reclaim the me I once was, and even given her some attitude adjustments. I’ve come to realize that I am still worthy of love and that if it ever does come around again, it will be on my terms and I will put my needs first. I know I deserve that, and much more. 

The work is beginning to pay off. I’m in a much better place with my kids and still have a good connection with ex-husband #2. I have more confidence that my good days will outweigh the bad. And since I now live closer to my parents, I get to see them more and watch their love endure. Maybe, just maybe, there’s hope for me yet.

A little tip: We just found out that Paper Source will perfectly wrap gifts for you. It’s for a fee, of course ($8 per). You can bring your own wrapping paper or buy it there. Maybe more paper shops offer this service? It’s worth calling.

And for actual gift ideas, look below. This one goes out to the true procrastinators who, for no good reason, haven’t managed to take care of their holiday shopping until now. If you’re frantic, let us help you out.

• Print pictures and put them in a card – or a thrifted frame? CVS still offers this service; you can check here.

• Give them the opportunity to try a clothing-rental service. We like Armoire, which has lots of great brands, a range of styles, and honest reviews from other users. Gloria readers receive 10 percent off any gift card purchases with code GLORIA. #partner

• Get them a subscription to a fancy magazine, like Neptune (lifestyle and interiors, made in Paris), Yolo Journal (travel), or Cook’s Illustrated (recipes, and we love the little illos).

• Finance one of their hobbies with a year-long pass to public parks, a membership to indie cinema destination Metrograph, or a monthly delivery of new vinyl or fancy coffee.

• For the overburdened (or yourself): This executive assistant service offers gift cards; we have used it and it’s actually helpful.

• Consider a charitable donation. Charity Navigator is a good place to double-check your selections. For kids, we have successfully gifted a “species adoption” from World Wildlife Fund. They’ll get a printed “adoption certificate,” plus a stuffie and a picture with facts about the species.

Shop the Story

TO WATCH We’re ready to subdue our internal critical voice for a few hours for the new Bob Dylan biopic A Complete Unknown. It’s out on Christmas Day, has Timothée Chalamet in the lead role, and is from the same director that made Walk The Line – a genuinely good music film! And of course, the soundtrack is great.

TO DRINK In all the rush and festivity of the next few weeks, don't forget the importance of staying hydrated. We swear by NativePath Hydrate, which is packed with essential electrolytes and amino acids, but not with excess sodium or sugars. It’s the perfect antidote for winter dryness. And right now, you can get 44 percent off plus free shipping on all orders. #partner

TO TRY Cookbook author Adeena Sussman’s tip for frying latkes is intriguing. She recommends adding a carrot to the oil because, as she says, it helps regulate the temperature and attracts “tiny particles from the items that are frying, preventing them from burning” which extends the life of the oil. It’s an old-school technique; there’s more guidance in this Food52 blog post.

TO STREAM Thank you, Netflix, for another film that helps us learn about an intriguing corner of history. We’re talking about Tyler Perry’s The Six Triple Eight, which stars Kerry Washington and tells the true story of the only US Women's Army Corps unit of color stationed overseas during WWII. For a sillier option, there’s the new Peacock rom-com Laid, starring Stephanie Hsu as a woman facing a novel dating challenge. We also want to watch the 47th Kennedy Center Honors on Paramount+ this Sunday — Queen Latifah hosted and performed, as did the Grateful Dead and Bonnie Raitt.

TO LISTEN We’ve never given much thought to Charles Dickens’s love life, but apparently he was a total cad and there is a lot to know. That’s per this episode of the Wondery podcast British Scandal, where two Brits dramatically discuss his life, talents, and hypocrisies.

An incredible interview about Todd and Margo, the yuppie neighbors of Christmas Vacation. • It’s time for tamales. • A helpful newsletter about the rise of immersive and educational kids podcasts that also boost media literacy. • The Equal Rights Amendment was proposed in the ‘70s – why hasn’t it been passed? • Martha Stewart’s book about wreaths sounds lovely.

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