Some Really Good Advice

Hi friend,

When a politician recently opined that he thought it was “a little crazy, by the way, but — especially for women that are like past 50” to care about the issue of abortion so much that they’re basing their vote for president on that topic, we have to say it rankled us a bit.

Since the legality of abortion has been “turned over” to the states, unfortunately women have had to think about the topic quite a lot. In our current reality, where people’s reproductive health needs are being adjudicated by 50 different government bodies and/or assorted hospital staffers, there’s a new horror story every few days. You could, in theory, dedicate an entire publication to abortion news.

One reporter has done that – and now, she’s got a book out on the topic. Jessica Valenti describes Abortion: Our Bodies, Their Lies, and the Truths We Use to Win (here on Bookshop, and here on Amazon) as a handbook to cut through obfuscation and misinformation and “give readers the language, facts, and context they need to feel confident talking about abortion.”

There is a lot to keep up with. Take Georgia, for example, where a judge Monday declared the state’s six-week abortion ban unconstitutional. “Women are not some piece of collectively owned community property the disposition of which is decided by majority vote. Forcing a woman to carry an unwanted, not-yet-viable fetus to term violates her constitutional rights to liberty and privacy,” wrote Fulton County Superior Court Judge Robert McBurney in a 26-page order. The state’s AG is now appealing the ruling, and the matter will be taken up by the state’s Supreme Court.

As we continue to wade through politics ahead of the election, many of us are also “in the shit” (to borrow a phrase from our feature) when it comes to parenting. And so, we decided to call in an expert for advice on parenting older kids, from tweens to young adults. Read on for that, plus our recommendations for this weekend.

Bye,
Your friends at Gloria

Midlife women are in the shit when it comes to parenting. Whether you came to parenthood late and are navigating the havoc a young child can wreak on your established lifestyle and sense of self (raises hand), or you got started earlier and now find fully grown adults staring back at you from across the dinner table (how?), even the most confident among us struggle to find their footing when faced with the enormous project of raising well-adjusted humans. 

It doesn’t help that the parenting industrial complex churns out an absolute tsunami of information for the parents of young children (of course – there’s more gear to sell them), but just a trickle when it comes to the task of parenting teens and young adults. When we surveyed Gloria readers about what parenting information they were most interested in, a chorus of you responded looking for advice on parenting older kids. 

You have questions on how to navigate the tension between giving your kids autonomy and keeping them close; between helicoptering and free-range; between, to quote psychologist and author Alison Gopnik, the carpenter and gardener approaches to child-rearing. To help with this, as well as on other topics, we turned to Dr. Sarah Spannagel, a clinical psychologist with expertise in adolescents, young adults, and families. Our questions, and her answers, are below.

What are the main issues you see when it comes to parenting teens? What should parents entering this stage watch out for?

I hear a lot about managing the social landscape, which is much different than when we were this age. There's this whole social media piece – what can happen on social media, all the emotions that come with a presence on social media.

There's a lot of top-down pressure that I also think is very different. Is my kid going to get into college, is he going to get into a good college, does he need to do eight sports and eight clubs? That pressure is very real for kids.

Family dynamics are different. Parents are working a ton. Their attention is preoccupied with things that are very real – their jobs, their finances, their marriages, their friendships. And they're now sandwiched in, so they might be caregivers for their parents.

How do you recommend parents walk the line between letting teens have their independence and providing limits and guidance?

I recommend having that conversation. Talk to them about how you are trying to achieve that balance. You can say, "Hey, this is new to me too. Here's my goal. I want you safe and I want you having a lot of fun. The more I can trust you with this freedom, the more I can give you. Let's figure this out.”

Then, have your short list of absolutes. For example, you’re not going to be drinking, you’re not going to be out at 1 in the morning, whatever your no-gos are. And have your other list of things you might entertain. Say, “These are my nonnegotiables, but these are things I can be flexible on.”

When it comes to points of contention, ask yourself, “Is this my hill to die on?” Is this where I’m going to put my energies, is this worth my relationship with them? You might not need to squabble with them about coming out five minutes late from practice, but if you get a call from school that six assignments aren’t turned in, you’re going to have that conversation. Figure out what is worth that relational debit.

How do you help parents manage phone use at this age?

This clothing-rental service is a lifesaver year-round, but especially as we transition between seasons. It means we always have something cute and appropriate to wear (like this cozy sweater, these barrel leg jeans or this chic blouse), and they’re constantly adding new brands and styles, so there’s lots to choose from. Give it a try, and get up to 50 percent off your first month, with the code GLORIA. #partner

TO STREAM The new British crime drama Joan (on The CW) stars Sophie Turner as Joan Hannington, the woman whose memoir – I Am What I Am: The True Story of Britain’s Most Notorious Jewel Thief – the show is based upon. Her notoriety came, in part, from how she stole diamonds: by swallowing them. We also want to watch this fascinating documentary about female orchestra conductors, which is $10 to rent online.

TO READ The Princess of 72nd Street, a recently reissued 1979 novel about an eccentric New Yorker that we found out about from book critic Maris Kreizman’s newsletter this week. It sounds like a gem. We’ll just let Kreizman describe it: “It’s the story of an artist who lives on the Upper West Side whose name is Ellen, except when she has manic episodes (she prefers to call them radiances, with more positive connotations) during which she calls herself Princess Esmeralda.”

TO GET We’re not big into over-the-top Halloween decor…which is why we’re loving Ikea’s affordable and stylish take on the holiday. We picked up these spooky (but chic) spider votive holders, and this festive and practical trick-or-treat bag.

TO COOK We swear by this carnitas recipe, which is simple to prep but does call for a long braise time. It’s written for pork, but it also works really well for chicken. We make a big batch, typically add in some sliced peppers and/or a zucchini to up the veg quotient, and eat it as a taco filling with tortillas or over rice.

“My decades-long journey to curls.” • Happy 50th anniversary to women being allowed to have their own credit cards. • A year-long waiting period, just to get a divorce? • Poems for parenting. • Inside the resurgence of Christian charity-affiliated maternity homes. • What to do when your husband messes up your 40th birthday.

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