This Old Thing Again?

Hi friend,

There comes a point where the absence of action becomes its own action. Such is the situation with postpartum psychosis and the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, as illuminated in this article in the New York Times. And women’s health experts are fed up.

“For more than five years,” write Ellen Barry and Pam Belluck, “a group of women’s health specialists have been pushing for postpartum psychosis to be listed as a distinct diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the thousand-page guidebook that influences research funding, medical training and clinical care. But two committees at the apex of the D.S.M. have been split over whether to add it.”

It’s an infuriating read. Many providers do not correctly diagnose postpartum psychosis, which can present after birth in women who have never before had mood or psychotic disorders. Adding it to the D.S.M. would mean “Doctors would receive more training, researchers would receive more funding, and when women stood trial for hurting their children, judges would take it seriously as a mitigating factor.” While rare, the condition is incredibly serious and requires urgent action.

Part of this ongoing debate seems to revolve around where in the book to place the diagnosis, of all things; to add an entirely new chapter devoted to postpartum mental health disorders would mean waiting “a few more years” until the DSM 6. To a layperson, this seems impossibly slow. “We are so ridiculously far behind in women’s mental health to start with,” says one doctor. “At some point, perfect is the enemy of the good.”

(Speaking of women’s health issues: How many of you out there are struggling with sleep? We are planning a few features on this topic — sleep supplements, sleep therapy, hormones and sleep – you name it. If you have found anything to help, and would like to share, please send us your thoughts. Thank you!)

This week, in Gloria, we have a refreshingly honest essay about beauty and aging from writer Mindy Isser. This is adapted from her wonderful newsletter where she publishes essays, advice, and other fun tidbits. Read on for that, plus a few recommendations for your weekend.

Bye,
Your friends at Gloria

The algorithm knows I am a 35-year-old woman. It knows I am a mother with disposable income. It either knows, or just assumes, I’m worried about my appearance. Each day there’s a new ad or Reel or post targeting my millennial-specific insecurities: the new lines next to my eyes and mouth, the dullness of my skin, my drooping chin, my permanently postpartum body. A dermatologist who tells me she knows the secret to slow aging, product linked below. A self-identified stay-at-home-mom whose income is much higher than my own (thanks to her many brand partnerships) hocking a wrinkle-patch company that’ll get rid of your “elevens,” no Botox required! And Alison Roman, who I love and admire, sharing how she found a dermatologist who made her “eyebrows arch perfectly” thanks to Botox. 

It’s hard to write about beauty and aging without stating the obvious: We probably all want to be considered attractive, and we live in a society where corporations spend billions of dollars telling us that we are never attractive enough — and actually, we’re getting uglier as each second goes by! — but maybe we would be if we bought this one specific thing (and then the next thing, and then the next thing). Anyone who has taken Women’s Studies 101 already knows that what we believe to be attractive is mostly a social construct and has little basis in our material and objective reality — and yet we all continue to re-enforce these norms and expectations by participating in them. I’m not encouraging or even suggesting that it’s remotely feasible to attempt to “opt out” of this, as I know that would at the very least have professional repercussions for many of us, in addition to personal. Not to mention: it’s just who we are now. I’ve spent more than 20 years learning how to be a woman in the world. The things I was taught to like are now just the things I like.

In middle school, I begged my mom to let me shave my legs. Another girl in our class — a popular girl, but our moms were friends — started shaving, which gave me cover; if her mom okay’d it, surely mine would too, and she did. My sister and I practically skipped to the RiteAid a few blocks away, giddy to buy a razor (Venus, obviously) and shaving cream (Skintimate, which came free with the razor). I remember how beautiful I thought my legs looked right after. While I took a few years off from shaving, I still think my legs look better hairless: shiny and smooth and feminine. Sometimes I’m sad to think about how much time I’ve wasted bent over, shaving from my ankle all the way to the tops of my thigh, and all the ways my skin has been irritated or the times I’ve cut myself, and even the money I’ve spent on razors and blades and shaving cream. But now it’s just a ritual, something I complain about but also do without thinking, and truthfully, it’s something I often look forward to. It’s part of my getting-ready routine, it makes me feel beautiful. It’s the same feeling as when I put in my contact lenses, or put on some blush or mascara. I am still myself, just better — a prettier, brighter version of me.

When I was younger I was beautiful, but of course I didn’t know it. This is where everyone starts rolling their eyes (don’t worry, I do too). People might chime in, You are still beautiful! And others will think, You just want people to tell you that you’re beautiful! And still more will think and maybe even say, You were never beautiful. Okay, fine, whatever, thanks or no thanks. I have spent so much time thinking about how I look, I might as well write about it.

Ten or fifteen years ago, my best friend’s mom told us a story of seeing a photo of herself when she was our age. She looked at it and cried because she was so beautiful and she never thought she was beautiful, and “now it’s too late.” She said this almost desperately. Now, when I look at pictures of myself at 15, 20, or 25, I do the same thing: sigh dramatically and say, I wish I knew I was beautiful then! But when I look at those photos I also remember the unbearable pain and anguish of being a teen girl trying to be beautiful.

Now I am less beautiful, but it also feels so much less important, so much less urgent. With age comes wisdom, or maybe more confidence, or if not those two things, perhaps acceptance. Sometimes I’ll complain to my friends about a specific thing — something that feels wrong or ugly or droopy — and then I’ll just say, “but it is what it is!” We laugh, we move on. But I still can’t fully let go. 

I’ve been obsessed with Kris Jenner lately. Her new face hurts to look at. She isn’t even frozen in time, she went back in time. She is 70 years old, but she looks younger than me. She doesn’t look like a real person anymore, neither do some of her daughters; they all have the same face. I don’t know why, but I can’t stop thinking about her as an old woman, dying or dead, but looking so young. It’s perverse. So many faces exist in this unreality now, bright and smooth and snatched. 

I’m not immune. I could buy a serum and I do, I could do Botox but I won’t. No judgement!, I’m supposed to add, with my hands up and waving, No judgement, do whatever works for you! I too hear the siren song of permanent and semi-permanent cosmetic procedures. Who doesn’t want to be young and beautiful forever? But I don’t want to lose my face. I don’t want to lose the person I am and the ability to smile and laugh and cry and scream and shake naturally, the things that make me human. And I am angry that this is what our society expects from women and I am angry that so many people make so much money off of this expectation. I am sad and frustrated that we all give in, in our own ways, whether it’s surgery or a procedure or a treatment or yes, even makeup. I am annoyed that so many people buy into choice feminism and think that their decisions exist in an apolitical vacuum, and I am annoyed that expressing political views often gets whittled down to aesthetics and consumer choices. And, honestly, I am jealous that so many people look so much better than me. Maybe I’m not judging — it’s more complicated than that — but I am disagreeing with the decision, if for no other reason than not wanting to feel pressure to do the same. If everyone around me stops aging but I continue on, I am the odd one out. I am the one doing womanhood wrong.

If you’ve ever tried to “eat healthier,” you know it’s not exactly easy. Between the grocery-store trips, expensive ingredients, prep, cooking, and cleanup, a high-quality meal can start to feel like a full-time job.

Forkful makes it way more doable. They deliver fresh, never frozen, chef-prepared meals that taste restaurant-quality, but are made with real ingredients like grass-fed beef, organic produce, and avocado oil. And everything heats up in 2 to 3 minutes, which means it’s exactly the kind of healthy habit we can actually stick with. Get 50 percent off your first order here. #partner

TO WATCH Mel Brooks’ remarkable long life is the subject of a new two-part documentary now airing on HBO. Directed by Judd Apatow, it charts his career through throwback clips and commentary from other comedians as well as present-day interviews with the almost-centenarian on his comedy risks and the loneliness that goes along with outliving your loved ones.

TO SCRUB This time of year our skin gets so dry and rough, especially on our arms, legs, and knees. We’ve been using this buffing bar in the shower a few times a week and it helps by gently polishing away rough spots to leave skin feeling smoother. Follow it with their lotion for extra-soft skin, or grab the set for the full trifecta. #partner

TO FOLLOW We were excited to find legendary Philadelphia-area meteorologist Glenn “Hurricane” Schwartz on TikTok where he is sharing his weather wisdom in retirement. He’s posting daily ahead of the big winter storm this weekend. We trust his takes!

TO TRY In addition to remembering when we’re out of our face lotion and shampoo, we’re also trying to be better about taking our vitamins regularly. These little containers have been helpful for keeping it all in one place. We find this size the most useful, but this set is also great. Fill them, then toss them in your purse or travel bag so you don’t have to lug full-size bottles around. It’s a simple way to stay more organized. #partner

TO MAKE Only on a Sunday — particularly a slow, snowy one — do we have the time to make this classic Marcella Hazan bolognese. It calls for simple ingredients and the prep is quick; it’s the simmering that takes all day. But it’s totally worth it.

Do you want to read about the secretive events where Manhattan women buy “superfake” Birkins? Yes, yes you do. • If you’re tired, maybe your iron levels are low. • Alert: New music from Kim Gordon • A drug to improve libido, previously available to the young, has just been approved for women up to age 65. • Testosterone…for men? …for women?

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