Many Blasts From the Past

Hi {{first_name|friend}},

Board shorts and leather Rainbow flip-flops are trending. Reality TV stalwart Spencer Pratt’s grabbing headlines. A new Sublime album’s coming out. And No Doubt, in plaid and leopard, is hitting the stage in Las Vegas. Wait, what decade is it again?

Even though No Doubt can still play the hits (conjuring a lot of fond memories), the band’s aging just like the rest of us; guitarist Tom Dumont recently shared his early onset Parkinson’s diagnosis. Sublime’s changed, too — Until the Sun Explodes is the first (and perhaps, only) release by the band with their new frontman, Jakob Nowell, who was just a baby in 1996 when his father, Sublime frontman Bradley Nowell, died of a heroin overdose. It’s pretty remarkable how he’s managed to nail that sun-baked ska-punk-reggae sound.

But we can’t go back, we can only go forward. Like this week’s essayist, who shares the motivation behind a recent decision to “blow up” her life by moving out of the United States. Read on for that, plus a few recommendations for your weekend.

Bye,
Your friends at Gloria

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

I am a woman who “blew up” her life. Or rather, I am a woman who watched her idealized future disappear and then chose to change everything else.

At 41, while working as a luxury marketing executive, I lost my daughter unexpectedly at six months pregnant. The destruction was so thorough that I walked away from a dream job, became a stay-at-home mom, and sold or gave away the majority of our belongings to leave the United States.

Since losing our daughter, my family and I have traded security and status for family, time, and freedom. Returning to the most simplistic understanding of what matters was the only way I could make sense of it. Here's how it unfolded.

My husband and I met in Guadalajara, Mexico, 16 years ago. We fell in love and got married in Guanajuato, a few hours' drive east.

We were living in California when we began trying to have children. We went through a six-year battle of infertility and miscarriage.

When the pandemic happened, we said, "We should go to Mexico. We're working remotely. This is the time to go to Mexico, to do the thing that we've been talking about since we met." We couldn't because I was in the middle of fertility treatments that had been paused due to COVID. 

Eventually, after many rounds of IVF, surgeries, and challenges, we had a son. This thing that we had worked so long for was with us.

I had a job that I loved. I loved living in Santa Monica. I was enjoying everything we had built. 

My best friend, an author and illustrator of books for children and about raising children, was at our house one day and said, "I need a subject for my next book." I suggested infertility and pregnancy loss, and we decided to work on a book together. The week we signed the book contract, I miraculously found out I was pregnant — miraculous because this time it took no outside intervention. My husband and I would get to close our infertility journey with the two children we always dreamed of, and my friend and I would give our book a tidy, hopeful close.

But in an instant, it all changed. It started with some blood work and more questions than answers. Within two weeks, everything that we had thought for our future was completely up in the air.

My daughter, Navy, passed away when I was 24 weeks pregnant.

I was fortunate to have six weeks of disability leave. But those six weeks were some of the worst in my life. 

I originally thought that going back to work would be a helpful distraction, that it would keep me busy and give me purpose. Very quickly, I realized it was the opposite.

I went back for two weeks. During that time, my company decided that we should be in the office five days a week, after previously being in-person only two. The change meant commuting between 11 and 12 hours a week. 

Sitting in a meeting one day, I remember being asked, "So how are you, Alessa?" and before I could even answer, someone else changed the subject. The only thing I was thinking about was my daughter and my grief, and no one was willing to name it. No one was even willing to have a conversation to hear how I was.

I'm not blaming them. The person who's experiencing grief doesn't know what to do with it, and the people around them sure as hell don't know what to do either.

It wasn't an easy decision, but I knew instinctively, probably the first day back at work, that healing would not happen if I were commuting up to two and a half hours a day while my son was in daycare, and while I had no time for myself. I'd worked so hard to bring my son into this world and, between toddler sleep schedules and commuting, I was seeing him maybe 45 minutes a day. 

I had spent so much of my pregnancy with Navy waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn't tell people I was pregnant for a really long time because of everything that we had gone through with our previous attempts.

Then the other shoe did drop, and I thought, "I can't keep living my life waiting for that." I had wasted so much time not being present and happy with her. In hindsight, if I only had six months with her, I would've shouted the joy about her from the rooftops from the second that I found out.

I saw myself going down that fear path again. I thought, "I can't do that again. I can't spend all of this time with 'what ifs' if it's not going to change shit."

We had been checking all the boxes of the things that we were supposed to be working toward. To walk away from all those things … I don't know that anyone understood.

Levi’s has been making clothes people want to wear for generations, and right now their summer sale is full of pieces for the months ahead. If your closet needs a refresh, this is the place to start.

We're into these lightweight jeans, this airy tank, and this cute short-sleeve rugby shirt. The Ribcage cutoff shorts are also a favorite. Shop the rest of the sale here. #partner

TO WATCH There’s a box-office battle shaping up between those of us who want to watch the ultra-campy, RuPaul-anchored, action-disaster film Stop! That! Train! and those of us who want to watch Steven Spielberg’s new alien blockbuster Disclosure Day. Also, the World Cup is underway — the U.S. Opening Ceremony kicks off at 7:30pm ET tonight!

TO SHOP If you're traveling this summer and want pieces that feel comfortable without sacrificing style, Soft Surroundings is a great place to look. We love this sleeveless tunic, this maxi skirt, this denim jacket for chilly planes and evenings, and this oversized button-down. The pieces are easy to mix and match, comfortable enough for long travel days, and polished enough to make you feel put together wherever you're headed. Shop it all here. #partner

TO LISTEN We can’t stop listening to this new album by the British band Tara Clerkin Trio. It’s got a real jazzy improvisational flare, right?

TO MAKE This simple but delicious-sounding cake is next up on our must-try list. All we need to get is some good ricotta.

Perimenopause disinfo is putting women at risk (related!). • Ozempic earlobes. • Want to read more this summer? Perhaps this will help. • “My AI boyfriend.” • Evaluating the challenges to same-sex marriage. • Kids being hospitalized won’t stop a $30 million raw-milk operation.

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