Paralyzing Uncertainty

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When we were growing up, there was a lot of general consternation in the air about overpopulation. Remember the Clinton-era efforts to reduce teen births (*sage crone voice*)? Now, only a few decades later, an opposing anxiety has taken root. Our government is extremely concerned that we are “under-babied.” Theories have been offered as to why, including this from Harvard University economist Claudia Goldin that’s made recent headlines:

“Even though a major factor in the decline of fertility is women’s increased agency, the real obstacle is the need for husbands and fathers to demonstrate their commitment in advance. The more that men can credibly signal they will be dependable ‘dads’ and not disappointing ‘duds,’” the more heterosexual women will want to have children with them.

Wow, shots fired! In a working paper for the National Bureau of Economic Research!

The general gnashing of teeth over population trends often skates over one cohort of women for whom the birthrate is increasing: those over the age of 40. That’s the topic of this week’s feature, below.

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Kristina Wright, of Richmond, VA, married young and was positive she didn’t want kids. “People would say, ‘you gotta have them,’ but I would see that they were not necessarily the happiest people in the world,” she says. And on her husband’s Navy salary, they couldn’t really afford it. When an unplanned pregnancy in her 30s ended in miscarriage, she says she felt even more resolute. Then, she turned 40. 

That year she completed grad school and her mother died. “I remember waking up and going, okay, I’m 40, I don’t have a mother anymore, and thinking, ‘The window really is closing. Maybe let’s try this.’” 

Parenthood is one of the most talked-about identity shifts in a person’s life, with full-throated declarations coming from both “pro” and “con” camps. Ambivalence is often missing from the conversation. 

Though Wright came closer to yes than no, it was more of a “let’s see what happens.” She decided if it was meant to be it would, and though she did get pregnant, it ended in miscarriage again. “The one at 30 I thought was a sign I was supposed to stop,” she says. “At 40, I felt like, if I stop now it’s not going to happen.” She had a son at 42, and about a year later was pregnant with another. 

“To go from ‘I don’t ever want kids’ to two under two was dramatic,” she says, which only reaffirmed her process to get to that yes. “I needed to be really sure it was my decision. I needed to know it was from me, and it was not until I was 40 that I finally felt like, ‘okay, this is something I can do. I’m ready to do it.’”

Sharing experiences of women whose no turned to a yes is not to further the stereotype that all women will eventually crave motherhood – and certainly shouldn’t encourage the kind of peer pressure that the women in this story all say contributed to their uncertainty. A 2023 study from Michigan State University found the percentage of U.S. adults without children who say they never want kids doubled, from 14% in 2002 to 29% in 2023. A no is as legitimate a choice as a yes, and an increasingly popular one. Interrogating uncertainty doesn’t mean there’s a yes to find under the rubble of your mind. Maybe it’s a no. 

According to Ann Davidman, who co-wrote the self-help book Motherhood, Is It for Me? in 1991 and has been counseling people on that question ever since, “there’s a lot of unexplored certainty” around wanting or not wanting children.

“I work with people who don’t know, who want to feel certain,” she says. “In some ways they are a luckier group. [Uncertainty] forces them to look at something they didn’t know they needed to look at, to identify something that will help them have a fuller, bigger life no matter what they decide.” Important to this work is helping people distinguish what they want from what they choose. “What you want has to be identified between you and you; what you do with it is a separate process,” she says. 

For example, she says it’s not uncommon for someone to understand they would have wanted to be a parent but decide if certain conditions are not met — be they romantic, financial, familial, or otherwise — they won’t pursue having a child. Her process involves writing prompts, counseling, and meditations that she says can shake loose some internal knowing or reveal early-life trauma getting in its way. At that point, “[clients] don’t have anxiety attached to the indecision because they have clarity for what they want, and the decision-making process is easier.” If it were as simple as writing a pro- and con list, she says, you’d already know. 

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TO WATCH New Apple TV+ comedy The Dink, about a washed-up tennis pro (Jake Johnson) forced into pickleball, is probably not going to win any awards…but it looks light and enjoyable. Plus: Mary Steenburgen. Also, Tracee Ellis Ross’s solo travel show is back for a second season.

TO SHOP Coldwater Creek's new fall collection includes tons of pieces you can wear now into fall. We love this all-season jacket, this layerable long-sleeve tee, the cap-sleeve sweater tee, and the no-iron button-down shirt. All classics that stand on their own now and as layers after the season changes. Shop it all here. #partner

TO MAKE We were a little apprehensive about the olive-ginger combo in this recipe, but were surprised and delighted by how it turned out. It could work on other types of fish, too; the key is how the ginger is rubbed in and baked, not added to the sauce.

TO LISTEN How you feel about The Strokes’ new album Reality Awaits is going to be strongly influenced by how much the auto-tune bothers you. “Going Shopping” is fun despite it, but it kinda grates on “Falling out of Love” (it sounds better live). There’s going to be some hits and some misses.

“A dying art.” • Many thoughts about this “surrendered wife” thing, but mostly wish the writer would’ve focused on how this is essentially a pyramid scheme. • Signs that you may be iron deficient. • Missing catalogs. • A new trend in humiliating and assaulting women.

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