Should We Be Ashamed?

Hi friend,

Do you ever ask yourself, Have they no shame? Perhaps about politicians, specifically those who spread ridiculous, racist lies?

Shame is one of those emotions that doesn’t seem to make much sense. Unlike anger, sadness, or joy, shame can hit out of nowhere. What we are ashamed of can sound silly when said aloud. And shame isn’t an emotion you want to marinate in. It’s deeply uncomfortable.

Just as shame can feel slippery and confusing, so can awkwardness. And this interesting article in the philosophy magazine Aeon has made us think more about it than we really ever had before. “Awkwardness can be funny, but it can also be serious,” argues Alexandra Plakias. “It inhibits our ability to act even when we know we should, and it can shut down or pre-empt conversations about important topics like menstruation, money, menopause, mortality.”

She says awkwardness has an ethical component, giving the example of a male-dominated workplace where sexist jokes are the norm and the presence of women causes these jokes to be “awkward.” “Blame falls on those perceived as different for ‘making’ things awkward,” she says. “In many cases, though, it was awkward all along: that awkwardness was just being borne by someone else, as they tried to conform to others’ expectations.”

But back to shame: This week, we spoke with author Melissa Petro about the emotion and her new book, Shame on You: How to Be a Woman in the Age of Mortification. Petro knows a lot about shame. She’s been thinking about it since, in 2010, she was publicly humiliated and then fired when details of her past life as a sex worker were splashed across the pages of New York City tabloids. Read on for our conversation, plus our recommendations for this week. We’ll see you again on Tuesday. (Yes, reminder, we’re sending two times a week! You can click here to see our last Tuesday letter).

Bye,
Your friends at Gloria

In 2010, Melissa Petro was fired from her job as a New York City public-school teacher after the New York Post began a humiliation campaign against her for the sins of her prior life, which included being a sex worker. The headline read, “Bronx Teacher Admits: I’m An Ex-Hooker.” 

What followed was an intense crash course in public shaming. After losing her career and withstanding more than two years of extreme public denigration, Petro focused on her writing. The incident and its fallout was the seed for her new book, Shame on You: How to Be a Woman in the Age of Mortification. Throughout its pages, she tells her own story, as well as the stories of more than 150 others, exploring the root cause of an uncomfortable emotion. 

The shaming Petro endured was remarkably vitriolic. This psychotic Post column about her, for example, calls her an “idiot prosti-teacher,” a “whore with chutzpah,” and “an openly loose woman.” Her experience is somewhat unique, though she’s not the first to go through it; Monica Lewinsky likely relates.

I spoke with Petro ahead of the release of the book to ask her what she’s learned about shame, what it’s like to go through a campaign of mass-media humiliation, and more.

One of the early and astute observations in your book is that shame is a powerful tool to keep people in their place. And some people think that's good. Shame is a control mechanism.

Shame has become a weapon to get people to conform to a heteronormative, racist, patriarchal world. And anyone who steps outside those lines will be punished back into place. 

We avoid feeling shame because it is so threatening to our nervous system. We'd rather be angry or “fawn,” which is to please or conform. We're also not encouraged to feel very much of anything in our society.

The way that shame is wielded is pretty powerful. It upholds invisible boundaries.

Guilt is when we recognize that our behavior is not living up to our ideals — there is a gap between who we want to be and how we act. When we feel guilty, we can change our behavior. Whereas when you feel ashamed, what can you do? Wallow in self-loathing because you are so inherently flawed? There's no improving that, there's only hiding it. I never think of shame as being productive.

Your story is compelling.

I am not tragically unique, but that's how shame makes us feel. We've got this one thing that, if anyone knew about it, would totally change their perception of us. And it kind of does, to be honest. People do look at you differently. But you're more than that one thing. 

Someone once told me their biggest shame was that their father committed suicide. I'm like, How do you take responsibility for that? But they do.

I took enormous responsibility for what happened and I carried it for so long. All I wanted to do was tell my story. And then what? Prove that I'm a good person and I'm worthy of love? 

With the book, I wanted to turn the lens away from me to truly see other people and their experiences. When we can shut up and listen to other people and realize we’re not alone, that frees us from shame. (I'm talking a lot, ironically.)

Well, this is your interview. I liked how you included in the book how you were going to go to trial, but then you were told that you wouldn’t win the case.

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TO WATCH The main character of the funny-looking new Hulu series How to Die Alone, Mel, works at the airport but is afraid to fly. After a near-death experience involving DIY furniture, she attempts to improve her life and more mishaps ensue. We’re also interested in Three Women, an adaptation of Lisa Taddeo’s best-selling book about female desire and sex. It’s streaming today on Starz; apparently, there’s a lot of male frontal nudity (just FYI!).

TO GET This Cat Mother t-shirt (from our friends at Mother Tongue magazine) says everything without being too obvious about it. A bonus: It’ll also be relevant post-election cycle. 

TO LISTEN The Winona Ryder season of the BBC Sounds podcast Famously… falls squarely in our wheelhouse. It’s all about Ryder’s career and life in the public eye, and it’s narrated by fellow actor Maisie Williams.

TO MAKE These little no-bake energy bites have proven to be a lifesaver for all those busy-day, late-out-the-door situations with kids. It’s not a fancy recipe, but it’s delicious. We also like them as a snack, or even as dessert.

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Cannot get enough of this beautiful house tour. • How to address the marital issues that may pop up in midlife. • Finally an emoji that represents us – a face with bags under its eyes. • Great, another ingredient we’ll have to check product labels for.  • A truly riveting and disturbing telling of a deep familial betrayal.

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